as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
