my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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