also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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