Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I forget how to act sober
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
