I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
