my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
