My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am one with the molecules
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
