god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
