Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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