I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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