Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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