she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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