Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
