From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sext me about skeletons
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
