I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Less talking, more tequila
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
