im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
