I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
