this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
