the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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