they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
