Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
