I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
