There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
