I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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