i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
