dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
