Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
