you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
