I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
