i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
