At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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