you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
