i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
