Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
