i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
