On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
