I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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