I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
