It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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