please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
