then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
