just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
