Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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