So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
