she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do herpes really smell.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
