Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
