Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
