I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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