I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
