Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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